How do I navigate being the “only” at work?

Dear Career Curator,

I received a few variations of this question, here's my take on thriving in a space that feels isolating, as the only.

Being the only person representing your culture, race, gender, etc. can be both daunting and exhausting. It doesn't matter whether you're the only one on your team, in your department, or in your company; the feeling of being singled out feels about the same. Understand that there is a clear difference between the stories we tell ourselves and reality. Examine your thoughts closely and decide where you actually stand, as it relates to your work dynamics. Take control of the situation by making an effort to build relationships with your colleagues. Give them the opportunity to show up as support for you. Whether it's cordial conversations about an upcoming project or helping you make connections with some of their work buddies. Make the first move to open the lines of communication and see where it goes from there. While that doesn't change the fact that you are the only, it may help you feel less annoyed about it. If you find yourself in a negative situation where you are truly isolated and unable to create engagement with your colleagues that's also important to understand, keep reading and we'll tackle that too.

You are much more critical of yourself than anyone else will ever be. When you are an only, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking everything that is happening to you is directly tied to the one identity trait that sets you apart from your colleagues. Do your best to scrutinize that assumption. If it simply isn't true, then continue to work toward strengthening your work relationships. It's easy to feel like everyone is watching you more closely when you stand out from the crowd. They usually aren't, but if you just don't believe that then why not turn this into a positive? Use those extra eyes to showcase your brilliance. Leverage the extra attention to make progress on shifting the culture in the most productive way. Do the work required to make the workplace not only better for yourself, but for future colleagues that may find themselves in a similar circumstance. However, I want to be clear that you are only responsible for representing yourself well, nothing more. It's not your job to represent your demographic in any way. Approaching your work from that perspective can be cumbersome and exhausting.

Often times people don't invest the time and effort into diversifying their own social groups. They may have grown up sheltered, haven't traveled very much, or simply don't see the value in understanding the experience of anyone who may be different from themselves. A lack of socialization outside of someones own bubble can easily show up as insensitivity and even ignorance. I can recall being in a work meeting about diversity and there was an image shared of all white figurines and one with a rainbow shirt on. They proceeded to describe how the image was the perfect representation of diversity that they had ever seen. Surprise, the person that thought this image "perfectly defined diversity" was white and and gay! Utterly insensitive and clueless, but they didn't set out to be offensive. I wasn't personally offended (I've been in the corporate America space for way too long), but yikes. I was also the only Black person on that call of over 40 people! I share this story for the giggle, but also to offer the insight that we give people far too much credit in believing that diversity is important enough to them that they are doing the work to explore and understand more about people who are different in any way from themselves without being prompted to engage by their company.

So, what's important to you? If it's community and you're not able to find it where you are, then create it in other ways like networking, joining industry groups, or finding your tribe elsewhere. If increasing diversity in your current workplace is important to you, then I'm sure your company will benefit from your interest and efforts. There are an abundance of resources online that will support you in starting an employee interest or affinity group. You can also find information on how to convince your company leadership of the importance of diversity. If you need to see diversity in your workplace, then you may have to seek that out in your next opportunity. If you are being disrespected, unappreciated, undermined, or any other dismissive or abusive behavior, then it is never going to work out. There's not a paycheck large enough to endure trauma at work. 

It can be tough being the only at work. It's the least effective approach to business in general and can be quite discouraging for those put in this position. However, if you're someone that can find the bright side of any situation, then you may also use your position as the only to create a community of many.

With encouragement,

Career Curator

P.S. Always go where you are appreciated. Never stay where you are simply tolerated.